I felt the wind in me had died. So much momentum came to a full stop. I had to start from square one, again.
Yesterday, I only wanted to be in a safe place. I felt fearful and depressed. I was nearly in tears. It didn’t matter if I just sat at the gym with a 2 lb weight raising it above my head once or twice. I needed to be with my gym family in a place that has come to symbolize another home for me.
This journey is a moment by moment one. I asked my daughter to drop me off and wait for my call. I told her it could be hours. I stayed at the gym for nearly three hours. She called once because she worried that I had drowned. Ha ha.
My spirits were low but the friendly faces made me smile. My gym friends care and I could feel that care. They could tell I was not my usual bouncy, upbeat self. My friends came over and talked to me. I went to them too, and told them how I was feeling.
Chester the Therapy Dog-in-training came over and I petted this gentle and sweet dog. He stirred my heart. He really did help me feel better!
After doing what I felt comfortable doing in the gym (without music–I wanted to be alone with my thoughts), I swam for almost two hours. As I got in the pool, for a long time, I had the whole pool to myself. That was wonderful. I was self-secure enough to try things I would have been self conscious doing if there had been more people in the pool–specifically, practicing a new style.
It’s not about the end result, but being where you are and acknowledging that respectfully. It’s about coming back from the depths to meet one’s true self again. Like I said, I could have sat in a chair with a small weight; just curling it to my body. I did more than that.
Later, my knee popped doing something seemingly innocuous. Now, I must love my knee and care for it. I am no athlete. I am a person who is trying to extend her life, gain greater mobility and heal on many levels–physically, mentally and spiritually. It was just last October and November that I was walking with a cane. I have lived needing a wheelchair in the past, and I don’t want that to be my future.
What mattered yesterday and what matters always is that I will not give up on myself. I will bloom through concrete like the flower above. You cannot fail when you put self-care and well being first. I have hope again.The smallest step in the right direction can change life dramatically.
Many times, I don’t know what the next step is going to be but I turn to the familiar and the havens in my life. Havens could be people or places, or things that I do to renew myself. The wisdom gained is that there can be no success without knowing truly where you are in your process and being fully present to what we face. This is the only way to resolve “problems” encountered. My view is on the whole picture: that this is part of my journey of salvation.
Anyone who cares about me as a person would simply say of my decision-making along this journey, whether I slow down or speed up is: “I trust you will make the right decision and I will support your choices.” Outside pressure only serves to harm me at this time. I am only in a competition to be better than myself, and to be resilient is to care enough about my “self” to come back stronger, no matter how long that takes.